amanda

i had a super strange dream last night that has been on my mind all day.

i don't want to get into it, i just wanted to document it happening.

i have a really hard time staying upset with someone i care about. this is kind of a blessing and a curse, but recently i've been really frustrated that i just can't have a grudge. not even for a little while.

my sister has been making me really upset recently. this has mostly been rotating around the fact that she is really fucking selfish.

let me rewind.

my sister is leaving for denmark on the twenty third to study abroad. she has everything that she could possibly need, including people she knows from her university that will be in the same place at the same time. per usual - fate has dealt her an amazing hand.

fast-forward.

she's been working over the summer at my mom's store, where she gets paid bank to do little to no work. or, i'll rephrase, she's good at selling things to people so it's really doesn't take that much effort. let me emphasize again: she's been making some ludicrous like ten or fifteen dollars an hour. tax-free.

so, as an individual who is two weeks away from moving to one of the most expensive cities in the united states, i am the first person to highlight the importance of a savings account to draw funds for the academic year. my sister has between four and five THOUSAND DOLLARS in said savings account.

fast-forward some more.

recently, when i've been going out with my sister and (attempting) to spend time with her she will not spend a nickel more than she deems fit.

example one: we're at target and i tell her that we need a couple of things for our bathroom. i tell her we can split it, it won't be more than three dollars a piece. this suggestion turns into an argument. why do we need that stuff? we have enough! and why would i buy it when she can just tell my mom to buy it at the grocery store! how dare i suggest that we be adults and throw down a couple of bucks on face wash and hand soap. resolution: i ended up buying all the things we needed, that she will undoubtably use.

example two: the other night we went out to dinner with j. she owed twelve or so dollars for her meal, plus tip. she had eight dollars in cash and she refused to spend any more than that - even though she ate more than that. resolution: j., who is the last person who should be spending money, put what she didn't pay on his credit card. not only was i super embarrassed that she would pull that stunt, knowing full well that j. is a gentleman and would cover it without an argument, but that she couldn't fucking pay what she owed. that she is that immature.

example three: as i said before, my sister is going overseas for a year. i'll see her for a week or two, but besides that we will be living many miles and many hours away from each other. i've been asking her to spend time together before she leaves, log in some sister hours, but more and more i've realized that unless it is completely convenient for her she won't hang out with me. and god forbid one of her friends call, friends that have ditched her more times than they have actually hung out with her and generally ask her over so she'll bring her hookah (in my world, that means they're using you), if they do i'm a distant memory. in my general disregard to past events and the lack of ability to hold a grudge, i asked my sister if she wanted to come to baltimore this weekend and have a little day trip away from montgomery county and our house. this was turned down with one sentence: "yeah, it's wayyy too expensive to drive to baltimore." a ride that would be sixty miles round trip.

(let's keep in mind that she worked from eleven to six today, then babysat from six to twelve, where she also makes ten dollars an hour. a rough estimate would say that she cashed in around one hundred a fifty bucks today -which is a conservative estimate.)

money, as you can see, is not a problem for my sister. yet, she continues to hoard it like she's living from paycheck to paycheck. and clearly, in her world, what is important to her is what her money gets spent on - and i'm obviously not worth much.

i, per usual, blame myself for this. what did i do wrong? what did i miss? why wasn't i better? because maybe if i knew the answer to those questions i would have a sister who considered a half-tank of gas worth being able to spend the day with me.

but i can't think this. it's not my fault. i didn't do anything wrong.

i really just want her to leave, at this point. i want her to go to denmark and be in the place that she has been saving up for, and i really hope it's worth losing time with me.

i wish there were people awake at this hour to entertain me. though, i almost think it's better this way because it gives me time to think in my head that is usually very go!go!go! all the time.

i just had an amazing pb&j. i stood over the toaster and rested my head on the above cabinet and the smell of the bread toasting was so incredible. it's fresh bread, bread that was baked yesterday, not the crappy grocery store pre-sliced low-calorie shit i usually eat.

today i spent almost $300 on warm-weather clothing that i'm more than sure i'll be needing in the coming months. boots, galoshes, fleeces, rain jackets. i now own more patagonia/north face/born than i ever thought i would.

nights are a really interesting part of life for me, it seems. recently, since i've had absolutely nothing to do, i've been staying up much later and contemplating things. it might not be shocking, but i've been thinking a lot about leaving. i'm getting myself more and more ready.

there are things here that i'll miss. my mom, familiar roads, consistency, support, my room, the sound of my cat coming downstairs, the smell of my house, baltimore, jake, his mom, feeling safe.

but, there's another growing part of me that cannot wait to get out of here. i have a lot of memories of my home, this area, that i'm anxious to get rid of. initially i considered it running away from my demons, i thought i was being immature. as i've thought about it and spoke about it i think i've come to terms with things, and am ready to move on.

i'm ready to make new memories in a city that doesn't feel familiar. where i'm not anxious about running into someone while i'm out somewhere. where no one has pre-judged me. where there isn't baggage or bullshit or connections. i'm excited to not know every queer person ever, but rather slowly make friendships with people without them knowing me through a gay-version of six degrees.

i'm excited to finally cut the geographical bond between emily & i, for there to be miles and space and air between she and i so that we can live our lives without intersection, something that seems to bring heartache for me every time it happens. where there will be no temptation to rekindle something that isn't meant to be. where i can finally let go and breathe without feeling like she's going to appear back in my life again without notice and take me off guard. where there won't be tears and pain and crying at broken promises and a broken heart.

[side note: i have no idea if she reads this, she would never admit to me one way or the other, but i'm tired of guarding my words and what i choose to put on the internet for fear of someone getting hurt or upset. i'm too old for that kind of censorship.]

it's hard for me to be ignored and hurt by anyone, but it's especially painful when it comes from someone to claimed to care about me, and i don't think i want to have those kinds of people in my life anymore. i'm not seventeen anymore and i have to realize it. i'm worth something, at least to some people, and i want to go to boston knowing that. that i'm worth something, that i'm not disposable.

back to my point - i'm happy that certain people are only a plane ride away and will be able to come and spend time with me in boston (october 8th!). that we can spend days together enjoying fall in new england. that we can do dumb-touristy things that i will be too embarrassed to do alone but totally up for (i'm secretly a sucker for those red-bus-double-decker-trolley tours).

my goal tomorrow: finish another book. the alchemist, maybe?

i think i'm going to take a break from the gym tomorrow. i think every four days my body needs a break. i can feel it, like today, starting to groan and and lag. i wish i was stronger, that i could keep going, but it's a strange thing when your body asks for something. i feel like i should listen.

my days have been monotonous, but not in the negative way that the word tends to carry.

i wake up, wash my face, put on my sports bra and my sneakers and go to the gym. i run while looking at myself in the mirror, wishing i could see someone else staring back at me. i watch cnn and shake my head at what is considered news.

i come home and take a shower. recently i've been standing there longer, trying to work out the kink in my neck that has prevented me from turning my head to the left at all. it would be much funnier if it didn't hurt so damn much.

then i usually eat, read, run errands, relax until dinner. the rest of the night is generally spent reading more, watching the olympics, and endlessly googling things about boston. what to do, where to eat, how far away ikea is, how much it costs to use zipcars, if i should buy my books used or new, getting loans, paying tuition, scrambling to find photos of my room so i can have some idea of where i'm going to be living. well, the list goes on. i'm clearly going crazy.

for the most part, this is how my life has been playing itself out recently.

these events have the possibility of being interrupted by trips to the zoo, writing in my journal, weekends in baltimore, target sprees, going to bookstores, laying in the sun, window shopping on ebay, doing laundry, baking, and spending time with j.

how is everyone out there doing?

tonight while i was standing at a bar drinking my usual, i had a conversation with j. about types. as in, people you see who you are automatically attracted to. most people have them, i know i do. my problem is: i really, honestly, deep down don't think i'm anyone's type.

i think people are attracted to my personality. the fact that i'm smart, well-spoken, creative, etc. but sometimes, the shallower part of me wants people to see me and subsequently want to get to know me. unfortunately, i don't think that's ever the case.

another issue i face is the fact that many of the people i'm attracted to (read: queer people of the androgynous variety) are only attracted to each other. i feel somewhat on the outskirts of the queer world sometimes because i physically don't fit in. i have a dress collection, i swear by eyeliner, i paint my nails. none of these seem to be the qualifying factors to being considered attractive in many circles that i run in, which means i seem to fall short in the looks department there.

in the regular world (which i occasionally forget exists) my looks don't work either. i inherited my family's slow metabolism and wide hips and no matter how many days a week i go to the gym (usually five or six), how many miles i run (generally three a day), how many crunches i do (i aim for 100) my body will never be considered ideal.

fuck.

i'm feeling very weird tonight. very reflective. very critical. kind of quiet and contemplative and a little sad.

items of note:

- i love the smell of old and new books, respectively.
- i am starting the process of attempting to fix the discoloration of my teeth due to meds my mom took while pregnant with me. it's one reason i'm self-conscious about my smile.
- i have a stack of about ten luna bars next to me. i really have no idea how i ended up with this many.
- space saver bags are a gift from god.
- my left leg hurts from working out too much and not stretching enough.
- i can't wait to go to boston.
- i'm scared of going to boston.
- i wish that when i looked in the mirror the person i saw matched what i think i look like in my head. i'm pretty sure there's a name for this.
- i really enjoy making facebook albums of baby animals and tagging people as said animals. i hope it brightens their day.
- i'm lucky to have found someone who cares about me in a way that makes me feel worthwhile and important.
- my last relationship really fucked me up.
- i think my mom is unraveling a little bit.
- cranberry juice, vodka & lime juice.
- i wish other people knew how awesome they were.
- i wish i didn't come off as a total lunatic/creep/weirdo sometimes.
- the internet is supremely boring.
- i wish more unexpectedly fun and/or surprising things happened to me.
- not working is pretty amazing.
- i am constantly looking up random facts about simmons. the more i find out, the more i love it.
- tomorrow i'm going to get up and bake something to try to curb this slight sadness i feel.

side note: who the hell reads this anymore/will admit to doing so? i know there are people out there in internet-land that do read these thoughts of mine and i don't know about it, so since i'm sharing and you're reading - you should share too. stream of thought, quote, fact, whatever. let's connect.

i feel like i have so much to write, but so little effort to actually write it. 

Originally posted on amandathensaid.vox.com

i'm so fucking tired of existing here. my whole family is falling to shit. sometimes i like to think that we still have some semblance, but afternoons like this make it hard to keep convincing myself of that.

Originally posted on amandathensaid.vox.com

right now i'm sitting at starbucks in mount vernon. i'm not even supposed to be done with camp until two hours from now, but honestly i just couldn't take anymore this week. 

Originally posted on amandathensaid.vox.com

recently i've been too tired to write. i follow the same schedule pretty much regularly, and said schedule leaves me with little energy at the end of the day to sit down and type coherent sentences.

Originally posted on amandathensaid.vox.com

hello all you lovely people,

i'd like to first apologize for this being cross-posted all over the place. i know you might read this more than once on your friends list, and i hope you can bear with me, i'm just trying to get as much exposure as possible.

onto the good stuff!

background info: i recently graduate with a degree in photography, and my last semester of my undergraduate degree i had to complete a significant body of photographic work that would be considered my senior thesis. i chose to do my project on how we perceive gender, and how different physical and non-physical personal attributes tend to prescribe a persons gender identity - whether they agree with it or not.

so! i conned my favorite transguy to pose for me. over the span of a semester i capture him pre-testosterone and post, and saw him both physically and emotionally change in front of me and on film.

at the end of the semester my class hung our work up in a gallery, and i actually won first place for my series - even though it made some people uncomfortable (which, is actually exactly what i wanted).

i've now decided to publish the series, and would love to get it into as many hands as possible. the book is fourteen pages long, with quotes from kate bornstein and leslie feinberg, the twelve image series, and a narrative by my subject. the cost is $15, but all the profits go to helping the above-mentioned favorite transguy/subject with his extensive transition-related medical bills.

this project has meant a lot to me, and has opened up a lot of discussions in my life about an issue that i believe is vastly under-discussed outside of small circles (which i seem to exist in). these images have given me the means to talk about gender with people who would never give it a second thought, but who are more comfortable relating to controversial topics through art.

thank you all so much for your time. here is one of my favorite images from the set, just to give you a little preview.



and you can buy here:







(ps: mods, if this post is inappropriate, please let me know and i will delete it asap.)

i had a really amazing weekend. it was my birthday weekend, and after a very very long week at camp i really needed a break. 

Originally posted on amandathensaid.vox.com

that phrase has never meant so much to me. 

Originally posted on amandathensaid.vox.com

Harmony-seeking Idealist (HI)

Harmony-seeking Idealists are characterised by a complex personality and an abundance of thoughts and feelings. They are warm-hearted persons by nature. They are sympathetic and understanding. Harmony-seeking Idealists expect a lot of themselves and of others. They have a strong understanding of human nature and are often very good judges of character. But they are mostly reserved and confide their thoughts and feelings to very few people they trust. They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism. Harmony-seeking Idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships. However, if reaching a certain target is very important to them they can assert themselves with a doggedness bordering on obstinacy.

Harmony-seeking Idealists have a lively fantasy, often an almost clairvoyant intuition and are often very creative. Once they have tackled a project, they do everything in their power to achieve their goals. In everyday life, they often prove to be excellent problem solvers. They like to get to the root of things and have a natural curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. At the same time, they are practically oriented, well organized and in a position to tackle complex situations in a structured and carefully considered manner. When they concentrate on something, they do so one hundred percent - they often become so immersed in a task that they forget everything else around them. That is the secret of their often very large professional success.

As partners, harmony-seeking idealists are loyal and reliable; a permanent relationship is very important to them. They seldom fall in love head over heels nor do they like quick affairs. They sometimes find it very difficult to clearly show their affection although their feelings are deep and sincere. In as far as their circle of friends is concerned, their motto is: less is more! As far as new contacts are concerned, they are approachable to only a limited extent; they prefer to put their energy into just a few, close friendships. Their demands on friends and partners are very high. As they do not like conflicts, they hesitate for some time before raising unsatisfactory issues and, when they do, they make every effort not to hurt anyone as a result.

Adjectives which describe your type
introverted, theoretical, emotional, planning, idealistic, harmony-seeking, understanding, peace-loving, sensitive, quiet, sympathetic, conscientious, dogged, complicated, inconspicuous, warm-hearted, complex, imaginative, inspiring, helpful, demanding, communicative, reserved, vulnerable

These subjects could interest you
literature, philosophy, psychology, music, meditation, writing, yoga, art, astrology, drawing/painting, spiritual things, handicrafts

Your Personality Type: The Harmony-Seeking Idealist

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today when i left work i had a really good feeling about it. 

Originally posted on amandathensaid.vox.com

i feel this hole in my heart.

i feel sick and sad and have spent way too much of my newly-granted freedom crying.

i want to be a real person with real, significant relationships. instead, i feel like i never have enough time or emotional capacity to really invest myself. or, i feel too weak and too hurt to really be able to.

i hate playing games. i hate the texts, the words, the punctuation, everything that is said without saying it through this elaborate system of communication that we have elevated to much more than just the casual message.

part of me just wants to be done with this place. i want to move, be single, not get involved in the incestuous bullshit drama that the queer community seems to rotate around.

i'm through with mean people. i'm through with people who judge me before they know me. i'm through with those who have negativity in their lives. i'm through with those who don't make me feel like the hole can be patched. i'm done with the games. i'm through with those who don't stand up for me.

i am a good person. i have a big heart and a lot to give. i deserve more than tears and sadness and hurting.

when will it end?