amanda -

tonight while i was standing at a bar drinking my usual, i had a conversation with j. about types. as in, people you see who you are automatically attracted to. most people have them, i know i do. my problem is: i really, honestly, deep down don't think i'm anyone's type.

i think people are attracted to my personality. the fact that i'm smart, well-spoken, creative, etc. but sometimes, the shallower part of me wants people to see me and subsequently want to get to know me. unfortunately, i don't think that's ever the case.

another issue i face is the fact that many of the people i'm attracted to (read: queer people of the androgynous variety) are only attracted to each other. i feel somewhat on the outskirts of the queer world sometimes because i physically don't fit in. i have a dress collection, i swear by eyeliner, i paint my nails. none of these seem to be the qualifying factors to being considered attractive in many circles that i run in, which means i seem to fall short in the looks department there.

in the regular world (which i occasionally forget exists) my looks don't work either. i inherited my family's slow metabolism and wide hips and no matter how many days a week i go to the gym (usually five or six), how many miles i run (generally three a day), how many crunches i do (i aim for 100) my body will never be considered ideal.

fuck.