amanda -

i wish there were people awake at this hour to entertain me. though, i almost think it's better this way because it gives me time to think in my head that is usually very go!go!go! all the time.

i just had an amazing pb&j. i stood over the toaster and rested my head on the above cabinet and the smell of the bread toasting was so incredible. it's fresh bread, bread that was baked yesterday, not the crappy grocery store pre-sliced low-calorie shit i usually eat.

today i spent almost $300 on warm-weather clothing that i'm more than sure i'll be needing in the coming months. boots, galoshes, fleeces, rain jackets. i now own more patagonia/north face/born than i ever thought i would.

nights are a really interesting part of life for me, it seems. recently, since i've had absolutely nothing to do, i've been staying up much later and contemplating things. it might not be shocking, but i've been thinking a lot about leaving. i'm getting myself more and more ready.

there are things here that i'll miss. my mom, familiar roads, consistency, support, my room, the sound of my cat coming downstairs, the smell of my house, baltimore, jake, his mom, feeling safe.

but, there's another growing part of me that cannot wait to get out of here. i have a lot of memories of my home, this area, that i'm anxious to get rid of. initially i considered it running away from my demons, i thought i was being immature. as i've thought about it and spoke about it i think i've come to terms with things, and am ready to move on.

i'm ready to make new memories in a city that doesn't feel familiar. where i'm not anxious about running into someone while i'm out somewhere. where no one has pre-judged me. where there isn't baggage or bullshit or connections. i'm excited to not know every queer person ever, but rather slowly make friendships with people without them knowing me through a gay-version of six degrees.

i'm excited to finally cut the geographical bond between emily & i, for there to be miles and space and air between she and i so that we can live our lives without intersection, something that seems to bring heartache for me every time it happens. where there will be no temptation to rekindle something that isn't meant to be. where i can finally let go and breathe without feeling like she's going to appear back in my life again without notice and take me off guard. where there won't be tears and pain and crying at broken promises and a broken heart.

[side note: i have no idea if she reads this, she would never admit to me one way or the other, but i'm tired of guarding my words and what i choose to put on the internet for fear of someone getting hurt or upset. i'm too old for that kind of censorship.]

it's hard for me to be ignored and hurt by anyone, but it's especially painful when it comes from someone to claimed to care about me, and i don't think i want to have those kinds of people in my life anymore. i'm not seventeen anymore and i have to realize it. i'm worth something, at least to some people, and i want to go to boston knowing that. that i'm worth something, that i'm not disposable.

back to my point - i'm happy that certain people are only a plane ride away and will be able to come and spend time with me in boston (october 8th!). that we can spend days together enjoying fall in new england. that we can do dumb-touristy things that i will be too embarrassed to do alone but totally up for (i'm secretly a sucker for those red-bus-double-decker-trolley tours).

my goal tomorrow: finish another book. the alchemist, maybe?

i think i'm going to take a break from the gym tomorrow. i think every four days my body needs a break. i can feel it, like today, starting to groan and and lag. i wish i was stronger, that i could keep going, but it's a strange thing when your body asks for something. i feel like i should listen.