amanda -

i have a really hard time staying upset with someone i care about. this is kind of a blessing and a curse, but recently i've been really frustrated that i just can't have a grudge. not even for a little while.

my sister has been making me really upset recently. this has mostly been rotating around the fact that she is really fucking selfish.

let me rewind.

my sister is leaving for denmark on the twenty third to study abroad. she has everything that she could possibly need, including people she knows from her university that will be in the same place at the same time. per usual - fate has dealt her an amazing hand.

fast-forward.

she's been working over the summer at my mom's store, where she gets paid bank to do little to no work. or, i'll rephrase, she's good at selling things to people so it's really doesn't take that much effort. let me emphasize again: she's been making some ludicrous like ten or fifteen dollars an hour. tax-free.

so, as an individual who is two weeks away from moving to one of the most expensive cities in the united states, i am the first person to highlight the importance of a savings account to draw funds for the academic year. my sister has between four and five THOUSAND DOLLARS in said savings account.

fast-forward some more.

recently, when i've been going out with my sister and (attempting) to spend time with her she will not spend a nickel more than she deems fit.

example one: we're at target and i tell her that we need a couple of things for our bathroom. i tell her we can split it, it won't be more than three dollars a piece. this suggestion turns into an argument. why do we need that stuff? we have enough! and why would i buy it when she can just tell my mom to buy it at the grocery store! how dare i suggest that we be adults and throw down a couple of bucks on face wash and hand soap. resolution: i ended up buying all the things we needed, that she will undoubtably use.

example two: the other night we went out to dinner with j. she owed twelve or so dollars for her meal, plus tip. she had eight dollars in cash and she refused to spend any more than that - even though she ate more than that. resolution: j., who is the last person who should be spending money, put what she didn't pay on his credit card. not only was i super embarrassed that she would pull that stunt, knowing full well that j. is a gentleman and would cover it without an argument, but that she couldn't fucking pay what she owed. that she is that immature.

example three: as i said before, my sister is going overseas for a year. i'll see her for a week or two, but besides that we will be living many miles and many hours away from each other. i've been asking her to spend time together before she leaves, log in some sister hours, but more and more i've realized that unless it is completely convenient for her she won't hang out with me. and god forbid one of her friends call, friends that have ditched her more times than they have actually hung out with her and generally ask her over so she'll bring her hookah (in my world, that means they're using you), if they do i'm a distant memory. in my general disregard to past events and the lack of ability to hold a grudge, i asked my sister if she wanted to come to baltimore this weekend and have a little day trip away from montgomery county and our house. this was turned down with one sentence: "yeah, it's wayyy too expensive to drive to baltimore." a ride that would be sixty miles round trip.

(let's keep in mind that she worked from eleven to six today, then babysat from six to twelve, where she also makes ten dollars an hour. a rough estimate would say that she cashed in around one hundred a fifty bucks today -which is a conservative estimate.)

money, as you can see, is not a problem for my sister. yet, she continues to hoard it like she's living from paycheck to paycheck. and clearly, in her world, what is important to her is what her money gets spent on - and i'm obviously not worth much.

i, per usual, blame myself for this. what did i do wrong? what did i miss? why wasn't i better? because maybe if i knew the answer to those questions i would have a sister who considered a half-tank of gas worth being able to spend the day with me.

but i can't think this. it's not my fault. i didn't do anything wrong.

i really just want her to leave, at this point. i want her to go to denmark and be in the place that she has been saving up for, and i really hope it's worth losing time with me.