amanda -

yesterday while i was waiting for the bus i turned around too quickly and slammed my wrist into a pole. i thought "nah, wrists don't bruise". man, was i wrong. i have what feels like i giant blood pocket (hot term, huh?) under my skin. it's gross and sore and purpley. ah well, lesson learned.

tonight, before dinner with my family, i was in the car crying from a phone call with a person who i have cried way, way too much about. i had to flip down the visor and wipe away mascara in the mirror and try to make it look like i wasn't upset. too bad my sister could feel it as soon as i sat down, and my parents pretended like they didn't notice, but everyone knew. i felt like such an idiot.

i don't know why i let her do these things to me. why i still care, why i still try to calmly explain why my heart feels chipped away at and hurt. how do you explain to someone what is a decent way to treat a friend? how do you set those parameters? how do you figure out the words to how you want to be treated?

i feel ridiculous. i remember back to when i was eighteen, crying and hurting in places i didn't know existed, and wondering why i put myself through so much shit that has just made me a crazier and more guarded person to be with now.

fuck.





on a positive note, i spent a lot of money today. money i don't necessarily have, but money that needed to be spent. money on clothes to keep my body warm in the approaching boston winter that i can smell when i wake up and that i see changing on the trees.

i kind of miss boston, and i've only been away from it for a few hours. i miss the city pavement and the people and the public transportation and whatever world i exist in there. that being said, i'm happy to be here. i'm happy to have my cat warming my ribcage and my sister making me laugh and my mom giving me hugs that are as much for her as for me and my dad texting me in spanish because he can't say "te extrano" to my face.

tomorrow i'm cutting my hair off and can't wait to feel the wind on my neck again.

night.